you LIVE you LEARN

2006-09-14T23:56:00.000+08:00

All great stories must come to an end. Its been something I've contemplated over a couple of months and I have found the resolve to actually do it!

It pains me to leave this space. It has been my santuary, where I can rant, rave and express honestly and completely what my head couldnt. Im not shutting it down, im just letting it rest.

It has been fun hasnt it, these past 2 years? It has had it's share of drama. The social and emotional rollercoasters have been filled with laughs and tears. From the friends I've made, the bfs I awed about, the mad-cap clubbin antics and even the mumbles and grumbles of the working world. None of which will be forgotten, simply because they are the embodiment of who I am. Someday, I will look back on all these with the fondest memories.

Thanks to those who have dropped by, but I need to make a fresh start. A new beginning. A re-invention. Resurrection.

Its been said and done. It's been great and it's been fun!

Toodles people.. sweet dreams!

Good night and goodbye.

2006-09-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

Emancipation of Rui-En

Of all songs that had to be butchered.. it had to be Iris... which is ONLY like, one of the most romantic songs of ALL time. And why do you scrunge your face like that, ever so often? Fidgetting all over like that 'ear piece' was the one screwing up when in fact, even to a tone-deaf imbecile like me, that you CANT sing?!

And you're SO thin! You put Paris Hilton to shame! They say tv puts on 10 pounds or something to your actual appearance, so does that mean, you're wat? 30 pounds?! Gaaah!!

2006-09-09T23:41:00.000+08:00

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhy???

For all the bad shit that has happened to me, Im sure I was a child molester in my previous life. It's retribution...

I hate this feeling. It just reminds me of the times when I was left feeling vulnerable. No control.

Disclaimer: This is not me wallowing in self-pity. Lets get that part clear.

2006-09-09T02:19:00.000+08:00

2 days to the start of Term 4 and I'm already planning my next holiday..

If all goes well, here we come!

2006-09-09T01:48:00.000+08:00

He's been offered a job in Sydney.

2006-09-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

Catch me Suhaila, this Saturday from 3-4pm on 987fm for the weekend edition of Control.

Trust me, the music's good! With the likes of Nelly & Christina Aguilera, Embrace, 50 cent, Click 5 and even Queen!

For more details on 987 Control, check out for pictures of the Control DJs and even our trailers.

2006-09-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

Random Thoughts

The week's been good. Here's a recap.

Making it through to Top 16.

Recording my own show.

Having Vernon A pick me up (as in, in his car).

Casual conversations with Vern, Justin and Don. 987 rocks my socks!

Tuition with Cassius.

Hanging out in Woodlands. Place sucks but company and the teh's good.

Having lunch at Raffles Place.

Watching him knock the socks off CEOs.

Makes me one incredibly happy girl.

I could get used to this kinda life.

Quite a pity the week's drawing to a close. Only means there's another rainbow to chase.

2006-09-06T12:30:00.000+08:00

Before Your Love

Im thankful for the support, the honesty but most of all the new lease in life!

I wonder how I ever made it through a day
How did I settle for the world in shades of grey
I wanted more than just an ordinary life
All of my dreams, seemed like castles in the sky
I stand before you and my heart is in your hands
And I don't know why
Why the sun decides to shine
But you've breathed your love into me just in time

Forever is a state of grace

2006-09-06T12:03:00.000+08:00

SUHAILA VS GERALD

So after an evening of guerilling competition, Suhaila (MOI!) am through to the next round.

YES! I made top 16!

This of course happened with the occasional slip-ups; the nerves, almost shoutin into the mike during my intro and sounded like i was readin out of verbatim.

But on the whole, it was good fun. Thanks Gerald, for being a sport!
All the best to you dude!

So if you enjoyed yourselves last night and would like to hear more of me, I'll be in CONTROL, this weekend on 987fm, Only the Hits!

2006-09-03T12:09:00.000+08:00

On being in Love

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two. (Extract from 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' by Louis de Bernieres)

Many say,love is blind. I say, be blind and have faith.

Mazzy Star, Fade Into You - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VddShgx5Ahg

2006-09-03T11:49:00.000+08:00

2006-09-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

I apologise for the lack of updates; end of term, teachers'day, tuition, spending more time in woodlands these days, have been keeping me preoccupied. A few more days till I go on air. I'm a bundle of raw nerves. Strangely, I still havent heard my own trailer on the air. He did. And congratulated me for making it. Well, thanks mate! :P

I was snooping for articles, here's what i found:

12 signs of falling in love

12. You read his/her texts over and over again...

11. You walk really slow when you're with him/her...

10. You feel shy whenever you're with him/her...

9. When you think about him/her, your heart beats faster and faster...

8. You smile when you hear his/her voice...

7. When you look at him/her, you can't see the other people around you... all you see is him/her...

6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of him/her...

5. He/She becomes all you think about...

4. You get high just from his/her scent...

3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about him/her...

2. You would do anything for him/her...

1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.....

Yes, I have that someone in my mind. :p

Currently Listening to: Mazzy Star
Fade into You

2006-08-30T07:26:00.000+08:00

InsyaAllah, we'll be okay. And if possible, more than okay :)

2006-08-29T12:21:00.000+08:00

Dear Master,

I know you've always had greater plans for me but you really outdid yourself this time. Well done!

*Still listenin to James Morrison*

2006-08-28T16:18:00.000+08:00

James Morrison 'You Give Me Something'

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

2006-08-28T12:25:00.000+08:00

So you see... Pak Mat belanggar dengan motocar. Crash boom bang!

***************************

Im standing, breathing and inspired, like a garden bursting into life.

Finally!

2006-08-25T15:07:00.000+08:00

Love is when we kiss, the world stops.
Love is when I hear your voice through the photographs.
Love is when I miss you while you're sleeping on my shoulders.
Love is when you smile at me, I lose my senses
Love is when you hate me, I think of you to sleep

2006-08-24T15:08:00.000+08:00

Looking back if we had one more night to spend
I would steal every second I would never let it end
Like the taste of your lips what I'd give to drink you in

I will always remember and I know that it goes with me
I will never leave this part of you behind

What I miss overall is a smile I can't replace
'Cause it starts in your eyes and
It filled up all the space in my heart
I know I will always remember and
I know that it goes with me

Make no mistake I'm here in this place
And I'm waiting around for you
And I can't help it Im still searching
For some way to get through

With you gone it's so hard to move on
I want to but I wanted you
Now you stay in my head
I'm not over you yet
I try to but all I want is you

2006-08-23T07:29:00.000+08:00

Day 15

Folks, have a listen to my trailer. Pretty cool shit! Kudos to THE man, Mr Don Richmond! Musical genius I tell you!

********************

Im so worn down. I can no longer recognise the person staring back at me.

2006-08-22T14:04:00.000+08:00

I still love him. So how?

2006-08-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

Day 11

I'm feeling worse than yesterday. My head feels like its been run over by a truck.

Over the past few weeks, people have left comments about the way I've dealing with the situation. I appreciate their comments.. I know they have their best interest at heart. Some things are easier said than done. But, I cant help but feel a tinge of cynicism, sarcasm even. Oh well, its free speech.. let it reign.

Whenever I feel the need to let him noe how I feel, I drop him a message, telling how much he's been missed. Of course, I've come not to expect a reply. Because he wont.

2006-08-18T21:55:00.000+08:00

Day 10

My heart is still aching but at least I'm able to function on semi-effective mode. Semi coz I'm a sick puppy. My nose is stuffed, my throat is sore and I have a friggin headache, so do apologise for the incoherant entry.

I need, no , i MUST get better before Sunday or else my coach is gonna kick my arse. She had warned me to take it ez in preparation for sunday's games. But noooooooooo, i had to surround myself with an avalanche of work, which , is still NOT completed.
Sigh.

If you have the time, check out this book 'My Best Friend's Girl' by Dorothy Koomson. It was totally enjoyable; its about friendship, death , love , betrayal, family and forgiveness. A moving read.

Alrite folks, gonna go lie down now.

Tomorrow's SATURDAY. I HATE SATURDAY!

2006-08-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

Day 9

To the invader of my dreams...

I have a box filled with your cards and letters. I wrote to you religiously almost every anniversary or on every occasion worth remembering. I've told you everything that's ever happened to me, the many 'firsts' of my life, the regrets I once held, the passion that comes and goes.

I wanted to tell you I loved you, but I never had the courage. So when I eventually summoned enough courage, you disappered, you brushed me off.

I could really despise you for that.

But I dont.

I came to forgive you because I want to trust you, to confide in you once more & still write to you countless letters and cards, prepare dinner for you, smother you with kisses, buff your nails, run stark mad lookin for a towel for you, confessing everything that I don't have the spine to utter aloud to anyone else, save myself from having to see a therapist, but most of all, I still want to love you.

2006-08-14T20:25:00.000+08:00

Day 7

John Farnham - Burn for You

I got myself into some trouble tonight
Guess Im just feeling blue
Its been so long since Ive seen your face
This distance between me and you

That voice you showed me is not the one I know
I must be strung out on what I do
Dont hang up again
Theres nothing else I know how to do

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

I guess it feels like youre always alone
And I feel that way too
Its so hard to explain to you
Please understand what I do

Took my trouble to a bar tonight
For another point of view
But theres nothing new
Im missing you

************************************

As I lay me down to sleep, I said to myself.

"Tonight you will cry that pain, that anger, that bitterness, that disappointment that you've been carrying, together with the new pain u feel Then u shall be nothing but a solid state that has only one objective."

Tears roll down continuously as if I had lost a child. So painful, so tight that i can't breathe, my nose, a choked pipe.

I bawled like a baby, wailing, trying to get it all out. Everything. Leave no trace.

Then i realised it.

Im this way because a chapter had closed on me and Im carrying baggage inside that i do not want. I realised Im in so much bitterness and anger because the book isnt closed, the story is not over, not because i dont want to but because i am not allowed to.

I cried more because i realised that this would be it. i cannot go forward nor can i go backwards because im stuck in the middle.

I just want it to go away.

I just want my life back.

I just want it out.

I want to breathe.

I want to live again.

2006-08-13T12:21:00.000+08:00

Day 6

I just puked my guts out. I feel really sick. Literally.

I'm not gonna feel better just because I puked, because today, I realise, I officially miss him.

Broken again, once more. Like a bird that tries to fly with a broken wing, i am shot down. The bird asks itself 'God why is that if u want me to fly, i get shot down again?' Everytime I am on a healing path, trying to feel something, to react, to live for that matter of fact, i get shot down really bad? Why do i keep being shot down injured, Why not just shoot be dead?

Perhaps i am too naive, perhaps i am too gullible, perhaps i am just weak.

"Fooled once, shame on you. Fooled twice, shame on me."

Hot tears fall from my face everytime i try to get up, but it seemed to be never good enough that i try.

Am i so weak that i cannot get up? Am i so heavy with burden that i shall not be able to fly together with a new wind?

I feel being transported back in time. Time when four years ago, i was feeling like this. That was the worst time in my life and its happening again. I ask myself, am i so worthless to even be given a chance to be happy? Am i so damned by the evil within that i will live like this forever?

Everyday, i pray in my heart to have my faith strong. That when pain sweeps over me, i can care and carry myself.

I want to believe in miracles, i want to believe in love, i want to believe in happiness. I want to feel all those, i want to feel tenderness and i want to feel hope. Afterall, i am just human, i have my weaknesses, i am not perfect. I want to feel worthy. Is my past the misery of my present and the obstacles of my future?

I wanna cry my heart out. I wanna slit it open, investigate and scutinize it and see if it's really alive and warm. Or is it so cold n dead?

Am i so wretched?

I want to live, i want to breathe, i want to stay alive, i want to love.

I am not a bad person. I've been brought up correct. I never came home pregant,ive shown patience and self-control but why is it then that my broken wings keeps on breaking? Why is it that my past cannot be accepted, why is it that it covers the yolk of my happiness?

I talk my heart out with my closest ones and God especially. I am truly traumatised again, it's coming back to haunt me, it coming back to ruin me. And i cannot save myself. I tried and tried for years, i tried till i shed blood and tears, i tried till i was cold and then warm again. Am back to square one?

My only consolation is that i believe God has better plans for me and he knows whats best for me. I believe he will one day let light in.

It's a real coincidence that this is happening in the month of my birthday. Just like in the past.

2006-08-12T17:30:00.001+08:00

Day 5

Humans are creatures of habit. It's difficult for us to let go of things we've grown accustomed to. Like saturdays. A day of abandoment. Wild trysts. A day you believe love prevails.

Today began like an other saturday. But its not just someday. I have high hopes for myself. I will work my ass off while everyone sits & doubts my character, my intelligence, my work ethic, my potential.

This is just another bullet to dodge, another collision to avoid, because I believe, happiness prevails.

*saturday isnt the same w/o you*

2006-08-11T21:13:00.000+08:00

Day 4

Specially for him...

Blue October's - Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

********

Today's no different than any other day. Except that one of my boys puked on my shoe during assembly. *grrrr*. Sent him to the sick bay, gave him a sweet (thanks to bad clubbin experiences, im well aware of means to curb nausea), talked to him for awhile; about fireworks and what he wants to do for P.E (i.e. distraction) and he was all better. Hah! You wouldnt believe this was the same boy who puked on 3 different spots in the hall this morning and wouldnt allow me complete my national anthem.

Anyway, had kickboxing and then rushed for tuition at CCK.. which explains my dire state of exhaustion. I have a cargo load of marking to do, gotto prepare materials for next week ... will save all that for the weekend.

My eyebags are carrying extra baggage and the bed is lulling me. Think im gonna crash. I'll blog more tomorrow or something.

Nitez voyeurs!

2006-08-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

Day 3

Specially for him...

Augustana - Boston

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

2006-08-10T21:38:00.000+08:00

Day 3

I refuse to let anything rain on my parade today.

Got the callback!

I made it folks! I made it through.

2006-08-09T23:04:00.000+08:00

Day 2

I'm still grieving. But I swore I would carry myself with more poise today than I did yesterday. I wasnt going to allow myself break into tears every 5 minutes or when a memory comes flooding. I wouldnt lose myself to the pits of despondency. Scheduled a busy day with as minimal breathing space as possible. Any chance for silence to fill the room, I will definitely end up reminising.

The day progressed better than expected. Trip to JB was ok.. my audition was great.. keep your fingers crossed for me yah. Complimented by one of them so hopefully I'll get the call back by saturday. Will keep you in the loop if things were to look up.

The greatest part of the day was definitely watching the parade. Im proud of my country but the 9th always seems to evoke an added sense of patriotism. How can one not be moved by the fighter jets, fireworks, national songs, starch pressed uniformed men and women marching in unison? Ok, I stand corrected, cynics need not apply.

The commentators kept harping abt the venue, how it being the last parade at the stadium. I wished they'll just put a lid on it.

The stadium, well, it holds a deeper meaning for me. So much memories. I rather not talk about it. Too painful.

Dad was very sick yesterday. He was dehydrated, running a fever and was shaking uncontrollably. He asked abt him. And so did my mum.

Su: He's busy.

Mum: Busy with what?

Su: Work lah.

Mum: What work?

Su: How would I know?!

Mum: Are you two fighting?

Su: No. He's busy with work.

As I patted my dad to sleep, watched his thin frame, the lines on his face, his shallow breathing. I wept in disappointment. I dare not break my parents' hearts. Especially my dad's. They almost threw themselves at his feet.

Finally, someone was willing to take their troublesome eldest daughter off their hands. He was meant to be the inspiration to crave the fertilisation of my eggs. If I were to tell them. I rather be miles away, preferably over the phone, so that they wouldnt have a way to reach down the phone line and throttle me.

I hate myself for ruining what I could have had.

2006-08-08T07:07:00.000+08:00

Every inch of me is bruised. I hardly slept. My reaction last nite was perhaps the worse I've experienced. I brawled my eyes out till 5 am this morning. I stopped due to sheer exhaustion. I just reached school but I cant wait to knock off. I just wanna go home, hide under my covers and cry some more.

Close to 4 years have gone down the drain. How do you react to losing someone who have been a part of you for close to one-fifth of your life? It feels like someone just decapitated a part of me. In a span of a year, he's brokened my heart TWICE. To make matters worse, its the week of my birthday. There isnt a reason to celebrate anymore. I was so looking forward to this year's because he's finally back.

Yes, maybe you were never meant to be mine. Despite everything we've experienced together, the ups and downs, the beautiful relationship, how could you just brush it aside? How could you brush me aside the way you did? Especially now. TODAY. Today's the 8th of August. 2 years on.. the exact same date.. i would have been yours. Remember 8/8/08?

I wasnt the only one who had high hopes. A lot were banking on us to make it to the end. Friends and family. I dare not break the news to my dad or mum. It will just kill them. It may hurt them as much as this has hurt me.

I waited for you to get through ns.. for you to finish your degree.. for you to return.. now Im left in the lurch. You once said the degree was for OUR brighter future. I loved you so much . I still do. I accepted your flaws, accomodated to your every whim and fancy and gave up a huge part of me for you. I became so wrapped up in you that I couldnt, no, I wouldnt see myself with anybody else.

So how now? Adjust my sails? How do I live now that you have chosen to fade away?

Can you believe it.. im crying while in school? I need to compose myself. Assembly's in a couple of minutes. I cant be seen like this.

2006-08-07T07:24:00.000+08:00

Im a walking bundle of raw nerves today. The bf has decided to make the dreadful ultimatum today. I don't know. There's its goods and bad. On one hand, I glad he's making a decision so that this will at least take on a direction. The bad, because, experience has served me well enough to know that looking forward is almost futile.

So I guess its only befitting that I take out my kleenex now.

2 heartbreaks in a span of a year. Bloody fucking cheebye!
********
Sayang, I dont know whether you'll ever read this but I want you to know that you're the greatest part of me.

I am who I am because of you.

2006-08-02T19:48:00.000+08:00

"Heavily Broken"

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
****************************************

Today is a better day. I feel calmer. Thank God .

Today marks a brand new beginning. I will work towards getting used to this hollow feeling in my heart. I did it before.. im sure i can do it again. It's just a pity the hard work I've put in has almost gone to waste.

I've tried and tried and cried but to no avail.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am still kicking myself for the past.

Oh yes, im sorry to inform you guys & girls who were looking forward to a night of wild abandonment, there wont be a party this year to celebrate my birthday. Im emotionally exhausted plus it's been an exasperating past year.

Sorry people.

2006-08-01T20:50:00.000+08:00

I'm not a Tuesday person.

Its amazing the spectrum of emotions one can feel in a day. The PMS is getting pretty bad. It has pretty much reached its climax. I reckon I need to put a restraining order on myself. Had to strong urge to swear at the kids today and was on complete bitch mode to the colleagues. Well, she fucking deserves it anyway. Fuckwit!

Checks the phone *long sigh*

Got to thank Khaleeq for the little perk me up.

I kinda do miss the racing heart, the sweaty palm and the stutters.

I'm gonna go lie on my bed now. Shut my eyes real tight and wish the day over.

2006-08-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

Despite the neverending pile of work, I managed to knock off early yesterday. I left school at 4.. which is considered pretty early for me.

It's barely Tuesday and I miss him already. *Sigh*

Just got off the phone. 2 days since I last heard from him. He's tired and was turning in. So that conversation lasted a grand total of 60 seconds. *Sigh again*

I cant expect much. He's job is demanding. Forcing myself to be resigned to it. Fooling myself's more like it. Told him I hate the fact that he has to work so friggin hard.

His reply: welcome to the working world *hmph*

He'll be busy tomorrow and basically every friggin day of the week. *longer sigh*

My schedule for the rest of the week. Let's see, I have training tomorrow, then tuition, then on course, then training, then another course and then meet-the-parents. *expletives*

Hope you have an ace week nevertheless!

Bingitz... At midnight. Hence the gibberish.

2006-07-31T15:52:00.000+08:00

I apologise for the pain I've put you through. There are many things I wish I never did. I wish I could take it ALL away. It has pained you as well as your family.I know I havent exactly been the best girlfriend. But for YOU, I'll try.

I will.

I promise.

2006-07-31T13:27:00.000+08:00

Look what I found across the Causeway..

The next best thing after Ramli Burger & cheap petrol..

Juicccccy!

I loooike!

2006-07-31T07:30:00.000+08:00

You taught me so much about life, you helped me come down off my high horse, helped me to realize that life is not all about shopping & privilege. You showed me the so-called "other" side of life, the side where monetary value means nothing, where family and friends reign supreme. You taught me to be selfless, to open up to new experiences, to tolerate and to be patient. I'm going to miss your eternal company, your laugh, your eyes. I will always remember fondly the days we'd spend doing absolutely nothing at all, those days I grew to despise for their inactivity and laziness. We grew up together in the most intimate and emotional of ways, we shared things I thought I'd never share with anyone, secrets and jokes all our own, untouchable by the rest of mankind.

Life ain't hard but it’s too long to live it like some country song.

2006-07-30T18:58:00.000+08:00

Seems time ticks faster than usual on weekends. Each time I look at the clock, it's telling me how much closer I am to Monday (WORK! WORK! WORK!), not too mention all the procrastinating I've done over the past 2 days. Not very proud of myself. As we speak, I have yet to mark my 30 journals and *looks at the clock* my goodness, its 1900hrs already.

Anyway, the reason why Im online is because Im PMS-ing and I need an avenue to rant. I don't want to bug the bf plus this blog has been my greatest companion. Its been a place where I can express completely and honestly what my brain cannot always work out. Which happens on quite a regular basis.

But I digress, back to my PMS! It does make me so bitchy and bratty that I scare myself sometimes. Times like this I sooooo wanna beat up someone real bad. Throw a rockstar tantrum or smash a guitar. Scream and curse and swear REALLY loud. Can PMS turn into an illness you think? Something you actually need meds for? Or worse something you can actually DIE of? I wonder if this would turn into a permanent disability for me? Like during the previous "ëpisode" when i didnt hear from the bf for 2 days and ended up crying like it was the greatest injustice anyone could EVER do to me. Till i got up, went to the kitchen window, konon-konon to get some fresh air and clear my mind ah. Fresh air kebabai! So, since this is going to be a regular thing, i've decided to give my PMS a name. Something really garang. Something that will incite fear in the hearts of man. I have decided to call it....................... *drum roll* SADDAM HUSSEIN!

Im sorry. Im just whining. Psychobabble people. Please revert to normal operation.

Oh yes! The JOURNALS! *scrambles*

2006-07-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

Had the TALK with the beloved today.

He says: What if this doesnt work out?

I sat there stunned because it wasnt something that I had pre-emted. I've always thought we would have been forever. Well, forever had minor hiccups along the way. But my point is, I'm scared of interrupting this life that I'm actually starting to love. We dished out all of our concerns, career, family and what-have-yous. Hearing his side of the story kinda justifies the things he does / doesnt do and it has left me kicking myself for some of the things I did in the past.

I've left him to do his thinking. And as daunting as it may seem, i have to brave myself for whatever answer awaits me.

2006-07-29T20:56:00.000+08:00

Im currently feeling out of sorts.

Im exhausted from the work week, yet thrilled at the prospect of teaching new things to my younglings next week. The class is getting better and as I've mentioned in my previous post, I'm gradually falling in love with them. I beam with pride whenever teachers compliment my class behaviour, "oh, I love your class", she coos, or when they receive Star Dipper and when they as 8 year olds are able to play soccer with so much finnese. Yes, EVEN the girls. *enthusiastic applause*

However, sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if I didnt take on this career path? What if I chose to fly instead? Would a jet-setting lifestyle change my perspective on life & will I still be that same girl from Ang Mo Kio? I sometimes wonder. It does frustrate me when I have to do soooooo much yet receive so little, we are afterall living in a materialistic world. Lets be frank, no money, no honey darling!

But whichever direction the wind blows, I will cast my sail and plough through. When life gives you lemons, you dont necessarily need to make lemonades my friend. You make the most out of it. My folks have taught me, to NEVER be a quitter. I recently watched a movie and heard a quote that stuck with me.

I would rather die than be mediocre.

While extreme in content, this statement is thought-provoking, to say the least. I strive to be my best, not the best. One who wishes to be the best has no self-respect, only greed and ignorance. One who wishes to be their best has set the highest possible standards for themselves and has the most realistic goals. Yes, I believe there are unrealistic goals, even for myself. However, this should not be taken as a defeatist attitude at all. On the contrary, it is highly optimistic to know one's limits and to respect them.

Keep in mind, though, that limits are set to be reached, and then exceeded.

**********************************************
Tried by fire and refined like bright gold
I stand here on top, I stand here bold!

I was humble
I was hardened
and humbled then again, before I knew it I was a grown Man

I forgive, I forgave and to this day I never did forget
I stand atop a defeated cloud of racism, criticism and a stigma-a label before my birth
Like my loved ones before me-I am just trying to make a living…
I am just trying to make it work

Success is pre-empted by a trial, by a raging fire
I have become a green blossom from the dark ash
*************************************************

2006-07-28T17:20:00.000+08:00

I give you everything
Will you give me nothing in return?
Despite what I've heard
about you
about me
about us
I still pursue a thing which will not come true
Blind
Unrelenting
Stubborn
Only when I am shattered will I have learned

I cannot keep doing this to myself, I just can't. If things were meant to happen, they would have happened by now. Right? Why do I have to be the one waiting, in the dark, for a decision? I'm going to try my best not to let this get to me, as much as I want to stay, as much as I can't deny the way that I feel about you, I MUST force myself to walk away. I refuse to be burnt again. If you can't make up your mind, why should I play second string? I have so much to offer and if you still can't see what you have already, right now, in front of you, then I guess that's going to be my cue to leave, with whatever dignity I can muster.

2006-07-26T17:07:00.000+08:00

Come with me
Stay the night
You say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do ya expect me to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You take my hand
And you say you've changed
But boy you know your begging don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game (You know it's just too little too late)

So let me go now
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know...

[Chorus]
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
So be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

Yeah yeaaahhh... It's just too little too late... Mhmmm

[Verse 2]
I was young
And in love
I gave you everything
But it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate (You know it's just too little too late)
Go find someone else
And letting you go
I'm loving myself
You got a problem
But don't come asking me for help
'Cause you know...

[Chorus]
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
So be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

[Bridge]
I can love with all of my heart, baby
I know I have so much to give (I have so much to give)
With a player like you I don't have a prayer
That's the way to live
Ohhhh... mmm nooo
It's just too little too late
Yeaahhhh...

[Chorus]
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
So be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

You know it's just too little too late [2x]

[Chorus]
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
So be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

- Jojo's Too Little Too Late -

2006-07-26T10:24:00.000+08:00

Im tired. And the week's NOT over! *grumbles* My eyebags are carrying extra baggage and I don't even have the energy to open my eyes. I've been dragging myself to training which has now increased to twice a week. If it weren't for PESTA SUKAN thats looming in 3 weeks and the fact that I bear responsibility for the team, I would have given myself a day, no, make that two days off. Btw, going for training has an incentive.. arrive early and I may be able to go for a quick drink after sayang knocks off from work. *giggles*

On the teaching front, it has been fantastic. My lessons been fun, creative and all that nonsense that MOE is trying to advocate. I dare say I would have done NIE proud! I'm falling in love with my and the neighbouring class which I take for PE. Yes, I may have pulled one too many veins in my neck shouting at them to settle down and to remember to hand in their homework but they've been quite sweet. I was marking one of their journals and I've stumbled upon this:

"Today, my class and I learned about animals on the farm. I also learned about the sounds the animals make. Sheeps baa, cats meow, turkey gooble and cows moo. We had a fun time singing about the farm too. 3 little ducks went swimming one day, over the hills and far away, mother duck said quack quack quack, but only 2 little ducks came back. I enjoyed the song very much. Miss Suhaila thank you for teaching us the song. You look tired. You must take care. We dont want you to fall sick because we love you."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

These are the little inspirations that make the avalanche of work worthwhile. It helps me get through the week.. and of course, the prospect of spending time with you on weekends..

Okay everyone! Revert to normal operation. Show's over!

2006-07-24T10:18:00.000+08:00

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what to feel or who to feel it for. I'm a little apprehensive, a little defensive, a little scared.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to this hollow feeling inside my chest, but I'll do my best. I don't think you can love what you never really have. You have to own something before you can embrace it. Guess who never shouldered the responsibility of their feelings? I am not one for pity, but a determined resignation of emotional obligations sounds fairly accurate.

I don't mind that there are more people out there who want to see me fail -- it just makes the reward sweeter in the end. I'm like the sand on the beach, always moving, changing, rearranging myself with the next gust of wind.

The new season has so many promises that there isn't really a need for sorrow at this point. My 'post-Scotty' phase -- had helped me realize that there really are some things I cannot control, no matter how much I'd like to think that I can. I can't control your feelings, only mine. I can't control the direction of the swing, but I can redirect where I aim the ball. I can stay in this current state of mind, but we all know that isn't going to happen. I'm moving forward with my life, but the real question is will you be there when I look back?

When is this going to take a direction, take a shape, take on substance? Sure, it wastes more gas to turn your car back on, better just to keep the car running ... but if it's idle longer than 3 minutes, you're wasting gas just the same.

In spite of Me

2006-07-20T10:56:00.000+08:00

Despite everything -- all of the ups & downs, the highs & lows, the good & the bad times -- I think this 'thing' is going to work. Ever the optimistic one, I'd like to think we are above the rules & regulations of ordinary romantic endeavours.

We're up there with Bonnie & Clyde, Frida & Diego, JFK & Jackie O, all of them were above it all, all of the limitations that normally come with the territory. We give & take in equilibrium. We coexist as two separate beings. We complement in unison, yet we are distinct & independent. Never indistinct nor dependent. I know we've got it right this time.

I don't want to be your other half -- I believe that 1 and 1 make 2.

Happy Monthanniversary :)

2006-07-19T13:40:00.000+08:00

2006-07-19T10:49:00.000+08:00

Don't take this as jealousy. I am never jealous. Insecurities are as useful as trying to put the pin back in the grenade. I know myself better than that. I refuse to let you have the upperhand in this game, this very dangerous, very volatile game. I never lose & I am not about to start now. I know who I want. It's not who most people think. I want the one I shouldn't, but isn't that how the story goes? Boy meets Girl. Boy loves Girl. Boy breaks Girl's heart. OVER and OVER again. I want that fairy-tale lifestyle. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. I want it all. I know who I want. I just wish he knew that I'm the one he wants.

2006-07-10T18:29:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the lack of updates, work's been pretty hectic. Ive hardly had time to breathe let alone socialise. Tomorrow's the convo.. that'll be fun. Lots of camwhoring ensues.

I'll blog proper when I manage to suffice some time. I gotto run.. going home to finish more work. *Sigh*

On that note... why cant everyday be saturday?! *grinz*

2006-06-13T12:33:00.000+08:00

The air is crisp, the sky a shade of blue-grey which seemed to be disputing whether the clouds would part and allow the sun to shine through, or burst, saturating the shuffling bodies below.To the most vigilant among us, the balmy breeze carried jumbled sensations.

The lonely ride home is an exercise in restraint. The tears come too easily, and once they begin, cessation will be elusive. The evening ahead will be full of obligatory smiles and banter.

Still, the morning holds promise, tomorrow budding with potential. The sun will once again crest the horizon, and with it will come a new beginning, a cleaner slate.

All that lies between today and tomorrow are unformulated dreams.

2006-06-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

Hey peepz, im BACK!

Not quite sure how long my stay this time round's gonna be. Been completely engulfed with work, tuition, my search for Gilmore Girls DVD and dental visits. But thing's been pretty much sane lately. Which is a good thing. Alhamdullilah.

Caught the first 7 Singapore Idol wannabe's over the weekend and I swear watching my dirty laundry is more entertaining than sitting through 1 1/2 hour of SI. I fear that our music industry's in the doldrum. Im sure there's better talent out, PLEASE give us something to be proud of.

The only contestant that made me sit up and notice was that Hadi Putra fellow. Quite an impressive (as compared to the other contestants') voice, plus it doesnt hurt that he's not too bad looking. So, im keepin my fingers crossed that he doesnt turn out to be a batisah clone and provide us viewers with something raw, a reason for me to tune in to channel 5.

Anyway, here's someone im proud of:

There's still hope in Singaporean men! Hurrah!!

Gotto run, I've an everest of work to do. I'll check in again when Im able to find the time.

Till then.. be good

Last Nite

2006-05-04T14:04:00.000+08:00

3rd May... 10 ish.. Mac...Elfie (the movie)... Melancholy... Exs...Memories...Flustered...Tears... Sweet Consolation... Faith... Family... Blessings...Shakespeare... The Pretenders...Rod Stewart... The Way You Look tonight... Fuck it!... I want to fuck you!... Nonsense... Laughs... Fire Fighter... Deadweight... A Walk to Remember... Shane West....Stupid Girls... Boy playing game... NOT AGAIN!... Falling off chair... Risk...Re-adjust radar... Self Preservation...

Piece them together whichever way you want to.

My mind comes alive. I regain my cheerful spirit. Its exciting. Its nice. But it stops there. Nothing more. Nothing less. We all have our demons. There are still skeleton in the closet. You. And I.

-Currently Listening to: Put Your Record On, Corinne Bailey Rae -
"Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry."

2006-04-27T13:27:00.000+08:00

Moving on
Is the hardest thing in life
But I know I will survive because my heart will find happiness and my happiness one day will find true love

-Currently Listening to: Lost in Space by Lighthouse Family-

2006-04-11T12:44:00.000+08:00

Bill Gates left Harvard to start Microsoft. Media executive Barry Diller dropped out after his first year at UCLA, and famously worked his way up from the mailroom (of the William Morris Agency) straight to the top.

So the message is clear, right? Drop out of school! Well, no. For most of us ordinary people, and for most of even the most extraordinary business leaders as well, college is a first step on the long journey of career and life.

Take a look at what, and where, the top business leaders of today chose to study.

Some of the names may look familiar:

1. George W. Bush, president of the United States; former CEO of Spectrum 7. Bachelor's degree in history, Yale (1968); Master of Business Administration, Harvard (1975). Bush is the first "M.B.A. president," and some assert that he has brought a corporate style of management and communications to the White House.

2.Martha "what colours would suit my prison cell?" Stewart, founder and former CEO, Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Bachelor's degrees, history and architectural history, Barnard College (1963). Stewart worked as a model to help pay for her Barnard tuition, and after graduation worked on Wall Street. But her career really took off when she combined her business savvy with her keen sense for the "good things" in life. Which coincidentally landed her in jail too.

3. Donald "you're fired!" Trump, founder and CEO of the Trump Organization. Bachelor's degree in economics, Wharton Business School at the University of Pennsylvania (1968). Trump considered going to film school, but decided to pursue the family business--his father, Fred Trump, was also a real estate developer.

4. Oprah "richest black woman" Winfrey, entrepreneur, media executive, and talk-show host. Bachelor's degree in speech and performing arts, Tennessee State University (1976). Winfrey began her television career while still in college, as a local anchor on a Nashville television station.

Currently Listening to: Breathe, Michelle Branch

2006-04-11T10:16:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Suhaila!

There are six towns named suhaila in the United States!
If you toss suhaila 10000 times, she will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom.
In the Spanish edition of Cluedo, suhaila is the victim.
Bananas don't grow on trees - they grow on suhaila.
If you cut suhaila in half and count the number of seeds inside, you will know how many children you are going to have.
Suhailaomancy is the art of telling the future with suhaila!
Suhaila is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
The first domain name ever registered was suhaila.com.
Suhaila can run sixty-five kilometres an hour - that's really fast.
Only one person in two billion will live to be suhaila.

2006-04-10T12:47:00.002+08:00

How Do I Deal?

I sit here thinking about the fragility of everything a human life consists of. How life can be so good one moment and the next, it's gone.

A grad of UPenn passed away during St. Patrick's Day. That's the day where anyone who cares to drink starts at 7 am and lasts until whenever you decide. She died at 11:53pm In a motorcycle accident, the rider was apparently intoxicated. She was wearing a green shirt that said, "Unofficial St. Patrick's Day."

She died of head trauma about 3 hours later.

I was really sad, but I didn't think I would cry.I don't think I could ever understand why death should happen to young people like her.She didn't have to die. Really.

I read this off of a magazine and really wanted to share it with you. I find this piece beautifully poetic and sad in a way.

It sounds pretty crazy to take a knife, or a paper clip, or a razor blade and cut yourself and say it makes you feel better. A lot of people don't understand how the pain of living can be so bad that cutting brings relief. They don't know that each drop of blood holds a thousand unshed tears, a thousand moments of unspoken rage.
If you could cry or get angry, you would. You aren't stupid. But to express emotion is to risk the wrath of thos who cause you pain. Nothing is worth that. And so you cut.
You cut to control your pain, to wash away the rage. You cut when you choose, unlike the abuse, which happens without warning. Cutting belongs to you. The more you keep it secret, the more control you have.
I know all this because I used to cut. Nobody knew. I was married twenty-three years before I told my husband and learned to stop. I'm good at keeping secrets.
And yet, to heal, some secrets must be told. I breathe and lift the razor off my arm and speak the truth. That is the real control.

-Unknown-

We all deal with our issues differently and one of those matters takes us to the topic of self-control. Either it's within ourselves and how we lead our lives or even expressing control over others. There are the healthy or the unhealthy ways to do handle matters of self-control. To take anything out to the extreme is unhealthy. But really, what do you say to those who are hurting themselves? Those individuals who internalize their pain, and to release it, they cut and hurt themselves maybe eventually leading to suicide. My thoughts go out to those who are doing these kind of things to themselves. As individuals, we all deserve love and kindness, that to give is also to receive love. In loving yourself and loving those around you comes a sense of self-validation, self-gratification and a refreshing dosage of life, to what it really means to live.

*Take Care Sweetie.. i'll pray for you.. virtual hugz*

-Currently Listening to: Naive, The Kooks-

2006-04-10T08:28:00.000+08:00

Sunshine After A Rainy Day

The sun is shining and dispersing its warmth. There is a smell in the air that reminds me of my good childhood days. The smell that tells me that something good is going to happen. That there are lots of fun to be discovered and that I should go outside and find it immediately.

I haven't smelled that smell in a long time. I think the last time I remember feeling like that was sometime last year. After a night at O. Ever since then my memories of the days of these past few months have been sad, shameful memories of myself. Days that my spirit just didn't feel like being uplifted by anything. The sadness could be attributed to many things particlarly being weighed by my feelings for someone that couldn't be recognized, my self-esteem just crumbled downwards.

Things are a little different now. It seems to have been moving upwards just a little bit. I'll be graduating soon and more adventures are to unsue. There's a lot that I can look forward to once I make some decisions. That smell in the air is returning back to me. I had wondered when it will be that I will enjoy the sweet sunny days and that dramatic smell in the air again.

Maybe it's time for my light to shine again. There's always sun after a rainy day, they say. I'm looking forward to it very much.

********************************

I'm searching for volunteer opportunities.I've always said I wanted to help out and be more selfless--volunteering is the perfect way for me to do it. It would get me to think less of myself and more about others.I can learn a lot of things as well.

********************************

-Currently Listening to: Red Dress by Sugababes-

2006-04-06T10:32:00.000+08:00

*A LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE*
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who Im looking for
I'll know it when I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watch you walk away?

-lyrics by John Mayer-

2006-04-05T10:39:00.000+08:00

To Them All..

It's been a learning curve, though, going over the whole thing.

I think I can see now why it happened - that wham-bam sexual attraction, for a start, something I guess I havent liked to acknowledge. There's also the fact of wanting to make him happy.

More than that, though, more than both of these things, I think I was caught unaware. I think he sneaked through the net of my philophobia. Because I think I was afraid of falling in love. I had that honourable fear of hurting people. I knew I never could hurt him, I knew that from the start. I relaxed my guard. I thought I was safe. And I fell, hook, line and sinker.

*Not Married, Not Bothered by Carol Clewlow*

-Currently Listening to: Over & Over, Jewel-

Random Thoughts

2006-04-05T10:13:00.000+08:00

I feel like a walking bundle of raw nerves and might be on the verge of a mental breakdown.

My grand-uncle just passed away after a really long struggle. We were close.

I read a blog today about brownies making someone's kid's dreams come true.

I am looking forward to the holidays. A break and perhaps winter in Australia will do me a world of good.

I have begun to wonder if I am bipolar. Wouldnt that be funny?

Amanda Rose is a blog I chanced upon the other day.She blogged during a night when she was in a terrible mood. I left a comment that things are almost always better in the morning. I wish it was morning.

Im not a negative person. I'm just in a serious funk.

Some may have a perceived notion that I'm strung as tight as a piano wire. How can I not? Life can be hard and the bulk of my experiences have been peppered by patronizing arseholes.

I need a brownie.

I'm going to bed. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. Here's hoping I wake up refreshed and much more positive. Good night all.

-Currently Listening to: Goodbye For Now, P.O.D-
"i think the hardest part of holding on is lettin it go"

2006-04-04T12:03:00.000+08:00

"I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around
And he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care
What your heart is for
I don't know him anymore"

*Torn by Natelie Imbruglia*

-Currently Listening to: Once Again by Frankie Jordan-

Potentially VS Realistically

2006-04-03T10:48:00.000+08:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

"Dad, what is thedifference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo".

-Currently Listening to: Perfect Situation, Weezer-

2006-04-03T08:30:00.000+08:00

Ever heard of PMDD, another one of those excuses for PMS. Problem with this is you feel it coming on like nightmare. One person speaks to you wrong and you are jumping down their throat. I am sitting here in the staff room and I get so danged angry at a colleague that I was half tempted to throw a stapler at him. I can not hide the urge to be violent. Not only does this happen here, but I do it to my kids. I grab them by the neck and thank god i know how to control myself, because I believe if they were a grown person, I could literally beat the hell out of them. That is when I drew the line.

I finally did some research and discovered PMDD is worse then PMS. Stands for Pre Menstrual Disphoric Disorder.

I wonder if this could become a permant disability for me. Or perhaps a defense should i ever kill my brother or ex-boyfriends. Who knows?! There apparently is prescribed medication to treat this disorder. But who wants to rely on meds everyday because of a bad case of PMS. But I guess as the saying goes if its brokened, fix it. And thats just what i have done.

-Currently Listening to: High & Dry, Radiohead -

2006-03-31T10:24:00.000+08:00

"Happiness is contagious.”

By changing your mindset, you will attract upbeat situations, experiences and people.

All it requires is that you become upbeat yourself first.

Association of Desperate Husbands

2006-03-31T10:09:00.000+08:00

"After begging and pleading with my wife (because I adore and love her dearly) to stop spoiling our children and ignoring my feelings, I've decided enough is enough."

2006-03-30T10:55:00.000+08:00

Its official.. I can kiss the scholarship goodbye.

-Sigh-

I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me
You never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living separate lives

Oh, it's so typical
Love leads to isolation
So you build that wall
And you make it stronger
- Separate Lives, Stephen Bishop

Currently Listening to: Let Me Go (accoustic version), 3 Doors Down

I Carry Your Heart With Me

2006-03-29T07:40:00.000+08:00

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate
for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world,my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart

- EE Cummings

[Currently Listening to: Save Tonight by Eagle Eyed Cherry]

2006-03-28T11:53:00.000+08:00

Sending my wishes to two dear friends
May this anniversary renew a love between you both with untold blessings surrounding you
Every day morn to night all year round

*Happy Anniversary Eileen & Jas*

Lots of Love,
Su

[Listening to: Sold Me by Seether]

2006-03-28T10:46:00.000+08:00

After the tears had dried up and I finally composed myself, I came to a sudden realisation that in these recent months, I had been soooo fucking stupid!

When your parents, friends and even a guy who's on weed half the time are concerned that you are still hung up over a certain someone, it only goes to show that there are issues that need dire attention.

It was time I looked at things from a different perpective, because shuttling between feelings of depression and comfort can be quite frustrating. At times, I thought I've finally moved on.. but when I stumble across fond memories, I find myself back at square one. With the perpectual backsliding, I began to wonder how much longer was this process going to take?!

But that conversation did wonders. It was the tough love I needed to eject me from this rut. No more emotional outburts. No more holding my breath when I see a Super4. No more reminiscing over the was and where or pondering over the what ifs and the could haves.

Simply because there is no reason to love someone who isnt there and doesnt love you at all. I could have given him the world and was even willing to wait for the day when I could give him the moon. But thats not what he wants. He doesnt need the world.. He doesnt need the moon.

All he needs and wants is..her.

And I cant be her.

It's finally time to let go.

2006-03-24T11:35:00.000+08:00

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

- Hurt by Trent Reznor

2006-02-27T08:16:00.000+08:00

Hey peepz...

Its been ages hasnt it? Firstly, I apologise for the lack of coherency.. im in between lessons right now. I'll blog proper when Im able to suffice some time amidst all the madness of school.

The workload keeps my mind distracted. The kids make me smile. And having my lower ability students understand concepts, theories and are now so motivated to learn makes it all worthwhile.

To my friends, stop hassling me alright! We'll meet up soon.. :)

And to whom it may concern.. i miss you...ALOT!

"Bones have to grow, and age it shows
Though we try and hide it
Inside, she's loving him still"

2006-01-20T18:44:00.000+08:00

Long, long ago in a sad galaxy far far away, girl was dating this stone-cold boy. And when I say dating, what I really mean to say is sick in love with him. She is excited about him, excited about going out with him, gets excited just by thinking about him, and then he does something that mildly disappoints her. Then he keeps doing things that disappoints her. Then she goes on hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing she wants to think is that this great man whom she was so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep.

Wait a minute! I know that guy you’re dating. He’s that guy who’s tired from work, stressed about his assignments. He’s just been through an awful breakup and its hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. As soon as it all calms down he’ll leave his girlfriend, i.e. YOU! God, he’s so complicated. God, he’s such a BASTARD! Oh this is my favourite, Men suck! Love sucks!

Seriously!!

Ive grown quite tired of people generalizing an entire gender just because of a few bad fruits. I’ve had my fair share of urban legends, the kinds your daddy warned you about. The kinds who should be trampled by a herd of elephants on fire. But believe it or not, I still have great respect for men. Hell, two of the most treasured people in my life are MEN. I love them whole heartedly and I trust them with my LIFE!

Breakups are hard. They are among the most excruciating things that can happen in this concert called life. It hurts. It rocks the very core of our being. Someone you loved, trusted, and valued has rejected you and its hard not to take it personally. But steel yourself, take a deep breath and stop plotting your ex’s murder!

Ex-boyfriends are important. They are physical manifestations of all the stupid things we did. Not letting go of them however, is just proof of how stupid we still are. Dissing/bad mouthing/bitching about them is justification of how immature we are.

Truth is, love is a powerful emotion; it is capable of lifting you to heights of bliss and at the same time plunge you to depths of sorrow. As I said before, there are relationships that last a lifetime while others are shorter journeys.

I may not be the most qualified person to be giving advice. But this is who I am. I am a person who has experienced truly self-esteem crushing, spirit breaking, gut-wrenching painful situations. It sucked and all i wanted to do was to lie in bed for the rest of my life. However, thank God I didnt.

I have faith in love and men. And you should to because the right guy is out there right now,wondering when he's going to meet someone like you. The heart does heal and you will love again – except that when you do, you’ll deny that you ever loved like this before.

2006-01-20T02:39:00.000+08:00

Did I ever tell you I have the best ex-bf in the whole wide world?

She runs into the wall...head first.

2006-01-19T21:26:00.000+08:00

I'm having a really bad day.

Everything that used to make sense doesnt seem to make sense anymore.

I was doing okay but now I see myself right back at square one. Its going to be an uphill task to get where I was just yesterday.

And I just realised today that in this world of 6 billion people, there are only 2 people I trust my life with.

2006-01-18T18:08:00.000+08:00

The worst news is that its over. There’s no more dreading when its going to happen or how badly im going to feel. Well, I didn’t die and the world obviously didn’t end.

Yes, I did run through a gamut of emotions; edgy, moody, depressed, afraid, nauseated – you name it. Yet during this time when I feel absolutely powerless and decimated, there’s still one thing that I can control – myself. You cant make someone take back a breakup but you do get a say in what happens next. I choose to take this situation as a turning point and be dignified in my grief.

Dodgy men from my past have reappeared. Alcohol is free on Wednesdays. Cigarettes are available off the counter. But whats the point? They are mere temporal relief. It will numb me but its definitely ineffective in dealing with the situation. Drowning my sorrows will not turn back time – it’ll only make me fatter, drunker and sadder. Look what it did for Ernest Hemingway?! Comfort in self destructing excesses is like putting a plaster on a broken bone. It’s NOT going to fix anything!

Im not reeling for self pity. Worse, asking people to take sides. I still think he’s a kick ass person! He’s the one that I adored and devoted myself to. I loved his family. I loved his friends. I loved the way he made me laugh. I loved the way he laughed. He gave me the greatest joy I ever knew. There’s no denying that I miss him, but like the age old ebb and flow of relationships; people come together and people move apart. Some are shorter journeys while others are meant for a lifetime.

2006-01-12T14:01:00.000+08:00

Today let me see that my hurting and pain is a way of showing me I have insecurities that I need to work on. To heal my insecurities is to heal my pain.

Today let me find strength and courage to face my insecurities and fears and know that I don't have to look toward another to sooth them.

Today let me relax and feel safe in knowing that sometimes in life the worst that happens to us are often miracles in disguise.

Today let me hear my cries. Let me pray for the strength to step away from denial and live my life in forward. Today I pray for freedom through truth. Truth liberates, heals, and transforms.

Today let me find strength and courage to stop looking for happiness in things that may not come true.

Off to the hospital now..

2006-01-12T09:12:00.000+08:00

It was bound to happen.

And it did last nite.

2006-01-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

It's all been said and done. Its been good and its been fun.

Maybe one day when you're ready, I might just give you the moon!

Battle of Who Could Care Less by Ben Folds Five

2006-01-06T14:26:00.000+08:00

Do you not hear me anymore
I know its not your thing to care
I know its cool to be so bored
But it sucks me in when you're aloof
It sucks me in, it sucks it works
I guess it's cool to be alone

Will you never rest
Fighting the battle of who could care less
Every day you wake up late
Sometimes I wish I was that way

And you think Rockford Files is cool
But there are some things that you would change
If it were up to you
So think about your masterpiece
Watch the Rockford Files
Call to see if Paul can score some weed

Will you never rest
Fighting the battle of who could care less
Unearned unhappiness
That's okay, I guess ...

I've got this great idea
Why don't we pitch it to the Franklin Mint:
Fine pewter portraits of General Apathy and Major Boredom
Singing whatever and ever amen ...
...Oh well, maybe not - I'll try again
This should cheer you up for sure
See, I've got your old I.D.
And you're all dressed up like the Cure

Will you never rest
Fighting the battle of who could care less
Unearned unhappiness
You're my hero I confess

It All Seem too Familiar

2006-01-06T12:37:00.000+08:00

She's been here before, being the last to know, the first to be left
the last he would come to, never realising, she was only second best!

She would always wonder, is he breaking up with her today?
Thats the price you pay for being second best!

She cries in despair, hopes he broken heart will mend
in hopes of never being second best again!

2006-01-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

How could something so good turn into something so bad?
Unless the good was never there to begin with.

2006-01-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

There isnt a better way to usher in the new year than a party at Shilton's. Good food, good booze and like always..great company! :)

Even the cops couldnt dampen our spirits (oink!)

Thanks Jen and Shilt for the hospitality.

2005 was kinda like a Hershey's dark choc. Definitely bittersweet for me.Lots of memories that i will look back with absolute fondness. I plunged into depths of sadness and at the same time rose to great heights of happiness.

But i have a feeling 2006 is gonna be good. For starters, i'll be graduating. Something I've been looking forward to for a reeeeally long time.

Plus, ive got everything a girl could possibly want; wonderful friends, supportive family and a bf who i adore. Though loads of moolah could come in handy :)

My only wish this year is for all my loved ones. May they find success, happiness, prosperity, good health, laughter and love in the forthcoming year. I love you all plenty plenty!!

And yes, nothing feels better than the silence of dawn as raindrops kiss concrete.

Jealousy and the Dangling Carrot

2005-12-29T14:05:00.000+08:00

Men see jealousy as women's weakness. And to make things worse, they exploit this weakness and use it against us.

Do you really think we like feeling as such?!

Women feel jealous because they are simply being protective of the things that matter to them i.e. YOU!, things they treasure i.e. YOU!, things they fear being robbed away from them i.e. YOU!.

Unlike men, we are more intune to our feelings. Im sure men have their bouts of jealousy too. We are human afterall. But women are more open about it. So please dont use our weakness against us. We feel that way simply because we care!

2005-12-28T14:18:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR!!

It maybe just another day to celebrate, but it means so much more when its the special day of your loved one. Its a chance for me to tell you too how much i love you, how much you mean to me.Thank you for everything you've done, not just for me but for everyone and that im very proud of you.Yes, we've endured our share of pain,
but together we have so much to gain.Bigger mountains may lie ahead,but together there is no hill we can not tread.You are my rock, you touch my soul.You brought me light, when all hope was gone.

Thank you for showing me how it is to feel real love.

Love always...

2005-12-26T15:56:00.001+08:00

There's always something depressing about this time of the year. As the curtains draw to a close on 2005, there seem to be a need to look for closure. I carry with me a glimmer of hope that by finding peace with everything that had happened this year, i can move on and start anew. I thought about the people who are dear/used to namely Jeron, Zul, Len, my folks and him. I cant help but feel nostalgic. Nostalgia brings melancholy. Melancholy brings sadness.

Zul & I decided to put an end to everything. Including friendship. "You cannot move on when the person you care about it is there" he says. Maybe its best. I can only wish for the best for him and his new found love.

Lenny, was one of the few who knew me well. We fell in and out of love around the same period. I remember how she took great care of me when i was pissed drunk during my birthday. How she held my head while i cried my eyes out at Attica. How we went shopping. Our long drives talking about life and love. How we checked men out in the middle of the expressway. How she was there when i broke up with zul with jon and scott in tow. We did have some great times. Unfortunately, i never did thank her and told her how blessed i was to have her in my life. Contrary to what she believes, im glad that she's happy with her new beau. Im disappointed by the fact that that one incident which i saw as a miscommunication blew up into what it did. After the matter blew up, neither of us contacted each other. Why? Because we both are stubborn individuals. Im neither angry nor bitter. I regret that the friendship had been lost. I regret that neither of us were mature enough to come face-to-face to deal with the situation. Im sad that i lost a friend.

So before its too late, i wanna thank all my lovely friends and tell you all how much i value having YOU in my life. How i wake up everyday only wishing the best for you.

To a close bud, I hope you're happy with your presents. Ive never seen you happier! Great that things are looking up. Im keeping my fingers crossed for you. We all love you!

Thanks for all the Xmas presents.

Scott: the watch ive been wanting for ages

Sue: The bracelet & earings

Eileen & wayne: Earings and necklace

Jon & Ro: the couple book

Val & Brendan: the Body shop stuff

Uncle Vern & Auntie Joyce: the body foam and facial foam

I love every single one of them. Thank you for taking great pain and effort. I really really appreciate it :)

I loved the way you look at me. Sadly, you dont look at me anymore.

2005-12-21T14:42:00.000+08:00

“How come there’s 2 Bs?!” she says.

Isn’t anything I do ever good enough for you?

Came home early just to share the good news with the folks. When I opened the front door, silence was the only thing awaiting me. No dinner. No company. I should have stayed in town longer with them.

It wasn’t exactly an easy semester. Modules were out of my league so I’m glad I did more than just pull through. How come they don’t understand that?

So, shouldn’t I be celebrating?! How can I, when I feel that something is weighing me down. Something is making me depressed. But I can’t quite put a finger on what it even is.

I sat in the office feeling miserable for raising my voice at him during lunch. I could only think about how much I regretted doing it. This isn’t the first time it happened. It seems I tend to raise my voice a lot when I’m feeling irritable. I’ll just snap. Which is WRONG because he didn’t do anything. He wanted to surprise me. And all I did was to shout at him. I’m such an idiot. A fucking idiot!

If I had a gun, I’ll shoot myself right now.

2005-12-20T10:32:00.000+08:00

The man I once loved stood before me. I forced myself to feel numb. To remain unmoved to his weak flirtation attempts, how his hand “accidentally” brushes mine, how he reminisce about the past. It had been 3 months since we broke up. 4 months since I last hugged him goodbye but every trace in his face remained the same. His apologies and justifications as to why he broke up with me caused me more pain than the break up itself. My heart felt like it was about to implode.

I don’t see myself with him anymore. For reasons only I will be able to understand. The voice in my heart that told me he was the “one” must have had me fooled. I was 18. I was in JC while he was serving his national service. We were young, naïve and idealistic. Times have changed. He wants to think about the future while I choose to take things a step at a time.

Those 2 years were an experience. There were some good times and bad. Our split though it hurt us both only brought me something even better. I believed a greater thing will happen and it did.

So, in front of that man I once loved. I looked at him straight in the eye and said, “yes, I love him more in three months than I ever loved you in 2 years.”

You being here make things worse than they already are. I argued with him because of you and because of that I’m feeling shittier than ever.

Please get the fuck out of my life!

2005-12-19T23:57:00.000+08:00

I can slowly feel my body breaking down. Been feeling lethargic every other day. Popping panadols like they are clorets. My headaches comes and goes and so does my fever. During my check-up last Friday, I was in so much pain, I just wanted to go home. Of course, I couldn’t, you know how difficult it is to book an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon?! Sometimes, you have to wait in line for 3 friggin weeks. And I cant wait that long! I needed to remove my stitches (bcoz: you have to remove stitches within 2 weeks of the surgery as the “thread” will become stuck to the muscle; or so ive been told?!)

Was talking to Ro about our fractures. Am surprised abt how the docs at SGH are treating her situation. She doesn’t need to go for physio. She doesn’t need to go for an x-ray. She gets an all clear sign to play sports. All her doctor does during her check-ups are to ensure that she’s able to pronate and suppinate her arm. Maybe there’s a difference in severity?! Maybe doctors at TTSH are more conservative? I don’t know? My ulna has only made 50% recovery so far. I still need 1 to 2 more months. I still cant do strengthening exercises of the arm, which means physio sessions are limited to only strengthening of the wrist and scar management. Sports therapy at CGH is redundant because it is more for injuries to the ligaments and mucles. It wouldn’t be able to do anything for my bone.

Im sorry, im beginning to feel nauseous again. I need to rest.

Apologies for the lack of coherency. My mind is in 7 million and 99 places.

2005-12-17T20:18:00.000+08:00

Last nite at Crazy E kicked ass! Kicked maaaaajor ass man!! Pix will be up soon as I get 'em from Sue & Eileen. Thanks for a great nite Dear, Wayne, Sue, Bran, Pete, Jon, Haresh, David, Trevor, Eileen & of cuz the Blues Machine. I've never seen the guys in so much awe. ROADIES!! Well, whats not to love... its Johnny Chee & Ray. He (Ray) makes GUYS & GIRLS drool. Fucking awesome. And he's a teacher.. i didnt noe music teachers could be this hot!

My Xmas shopping's almost done. Almost..because I juz got to go Ikea to get some stuff for someone. Wonder when am I gonna find time to go?! From next year onwards, I vow to do my shopping early. Call me an auntie..whatever.. but Im not gonna put myself thru those queues again!

Everyone's looking forward to Sue's bdae celebration this fri.. my twin's turnin 21...finaaally!! Heading back to Crazy E again. Ray promised an extended drum solo if Sue dances :)... YOU BETTER DANCE WOMAN!!

I wanna lose myself in reckless abandonment with you my little Voodoo Child.

2005-12-11T20:05:00.000+08:00

2005-12-11T14:50:00.000+08:00

Parents have no sense of logic. Even if they did, whatever little logic they possess seems to diminish as they age. Well, that seems the case for my parents at least. And I sure hope I don’t get those genes.

My hospitalization leave has been nothing short of pure agony. My dad’s on hospitalization leave too u see. Oh, how swell!! And the longer I stay at home, the more sanity I seem to lose. My only form of solace are my rendezvous to meet the boys and my evil twin (and where the hell are you babe?!)

My dad’s been a complete pain in the gluteus maximus. It first started out when he forbidded me from going for a badminton match.

I’m stubborn and independent by nature and the injury has been a disheartening setback for one who once led an active lifestyle. I cant play badminton, swim, play netball or even soccer for reasons that are I’ve heard one too many times. My parents fail to see the situation from my point of view. To them, it’s their way or the highway.

Then there’s also the barrage of putdowns and unnecessary comments that he bombards me with. His ammunition? My breakup with Zul. Time and time again, he laments about how I let such a good catch slip away. Bollocks! If he likes him so much, might as well he marry him! I’m not going to cite examples of his put-downs simply coz his comments are just reminder of how low he made me feel. Those comments coming from any parent will definitely make a child cower in pain. I’m someone who easily brushes aside unwelcoming comments... but everything he said...it just hit the nerve.

After much talk with Scott, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, he is sick after all, and sick people can be quite difficult. So, I did try today talking to him. But there’s only so much talk you can do and if the other party refuses to listen then what options are you left with?! Therapy?!

Today’s bust-up is perhaps the cherry on the cake. It’s “THAT’- IT!” for me. Im officially throwing in the towel. Despite explaining to him that communication is a two-way thing (which he AGAIN FAIL to comprehend the concept). I choose to let the situation rest. I’m tired of explaining, of talking to deaf ears. If he chooses to see me as stubborn, well, he’s no better. Can the CHILD be the BIGGER person than the FATHER? He can’t fathom the fact that daddy’s little girl has changed. Right in front of his eyes. And he has no control over it.

Right now, I’m looking thru options on places to put up. I have options namely: hall (but Scott’s against the idea), uncle’s place in Woodlands and lastly, grandma’s, which seems to be the most reasonable alternative among the lot.

I’ve wanted to move out since I was 13. My then best-friend & I used to talk about it all the time. The house we would have, country styled kitchen. Smell of pastries in the kitchen. Beautiful flowers in the garden. Oh, we were so young, so naïve. Then, there was zul’s idealistic idea of whisking me away from this hell hole when we do get married. Hah! Now that idea’s thrown out the window. Well, unless my dad and him do get married and zul whisks HIM away. That’ll be fab!! My dad and my ex, shocker of the year!! But I digress.

Fast forward. 8 years on. I still harbour feelings of moving out. I really do. More so now than ever. Its better I get my space because when a push becomes a shove, emotions do get the better of us.

Playing the good, docile daughter role, the responsibilities, the restrictions, the barrage of insults, the racist comments, me feeling unappreciated, I’ve grown quite sick of it. I’m 21, its time they stop ruining, i mean, running my life.

2005-12-09T17:19:00.000+08:00

This is a loooong overdued entry. A couple things happened in these past few weeks namely:

1. PESS Bash - which I dont quite want to dwell on coz of certain EMOTIONAL reasons.

2. Len's Chalet - it was wicked puttin up at the other end of Spore. Plus the company is ALWAYS excellent. Everyone was there.. from "gimme-some-love" Vick to "Hot" Shilton.. "im special" Eileen and not to forget my two fave boys n my evil twin.

3. My metal plate holding my right ulna broke. Dont ask me why.. im tired of explainin. Anyway, yours truly had to spend another 4 days in the hospital. It was terrrrible i tell ya. Worse than the first surgery. I suffered the side-effects of morphine and was puking like it was my 21st party. Nonetheless, my Dearest knows the best pick-me up. Latteeeee iiisssssss gooood!!

4. After months of clubbin hiatus,Eileen's birthday was EXCELLENT. Anything at Obar with the guys & gals is good fun. It didnt quite start off well with me per se coz I was feeling kinda lost with the presence of some people. BUT like always.. i warm up to such situations pretty easily. Enjoy the pix..

Happy Birthday Eileen!!

The Boys

The Girls

Mandatory Couple Pic

That is so unglam!

Mandatory Lesbian Pose

Julie - the really cool chick

When we were bored

Camera Hogger!

Uber sweetness!

Evil twin & I

They apparently had something good & refused to share!!

Eileen & I

Two girls and an eeerm

We had a great nite... Happy Birthday Eileen!! Love ya loads *muacks*

He's attemptin to make milkshake in the kitchen. I better go supervise. Till next time folks!

2005-11-25T06:20:00.000+08:00

When we first met, falling in love wasnt on the agenda. Though I put up a wall to keep all the others on the outside, you found that one little crack and you seemed to work your way in.

Once I figured out what was truly going on inside my heart.There were so many things that I wanted to say to you .I wanted to let you know how much you truly meant to me
I wanted to tell you that I wasn't sure if I could make it without you. We've only been together for a short period of time yet even I am suprised at the affections that I have invested in you. I took a risk and Im paying for it.

Sometimes I feel like my heart is a whore. Given away too easily. Without questions, without expectations. The only thing that Ive ever asked for was to be loved in return. Something which everyone desires. To love and be loved.

But Ive learnt that my heart is worthless. Its easily discarded. Like pieces of paper tumbling in the wind.

Love is such an overwhelming and confusing emotion. The whole world seems to revolve around love. Everyone is searching for love. Yet how many can say they found love and kept it? Love is so beautiful when untainted. Yet, it can cause so much pain and suffering when mistreated.

2005-11-25T05:30:00.000+08:00

ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim. ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ilovehim.ireallymisshim.

I cant sleep. Not even a wink. My mind is running the Standard Chartered Marathon. All 42kilometres of it. TWICE!

2005-11-25T01:59:00.000+08:00

Quote of the Day: Just because I call you a FUCKER doesnt mean you fuck very well you know. You're a FUCKER cause you're FUCKED UP!

Disclaimer: This is NOT targetted (I REPEAT..NOT TARGETTED) to Scott!.

2005-11-24T16:26:00.000+08:00

Her face no longer provokes his heart
Her touch no longer fits his pleasure
His love for her slowly disintegrates
Slowly leaving in a silent death
To him she must always be courteous
But who will be courteous to her heart?
Who will ease her hardest days?
Who will give life to her soul once more?
He was once the stars that lit her dark sky
But now she is left in the dark
Searching for that luminous hope

2005-11-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU YOU HAVE NO IDEA. If only you know how. I wanna say all the good things in this world to make you feel better cos I know you're not feeling too good right now.

2005-11-22T06:22:00.000+08:00

You get a distinction for being the only man who can fill me with total happiness. And yet give me so much misery.

We're well reaching our monthanniversary. Is this how its going to be in future?

It takes two baby. And I cant run after you all the time.

On a lighter note, Bash is 3 days away. 1 shot for every guy who ever made me cry! That makes...mmm... *counting*...shit! I ran out of fingers!

You're a Sick Addiction

2005-11-19T11:12:00.000+08:00

I wish I could knit. So I'll knit Wayne a sweater or even a bib for Ethan.

I'll knit my life away and not think about this roller coaster. Not think about how to fight tooth and nails from preventing the tears from flowing these past few days. Not think about that ache in my heart. Just knit.

Why am I so fragile this time round? How come it hurts, emotionally, physically, so damn bad? What's different?

I know in time I will get through this. But Im not entirely sure what 'this' even is?Maybe this is just a phase like any other. Maybe come december all these feelings will be gone.

Someone once said, when life gets you down, cherish the fact that there's someone out there who loves you. Yeah, well kinda hard to stick to. When you're consumed in a could of gloom, no quote or cliche can make it all go away.

Then again, maybe it's the caffeine talking. Or this song. Or him, lying there, not really knowing me at all.

2005-11-18T22:36:00.000+08:00

My pain is stretched
Across a broad cold winter
And the core of my heart
Is splintered
Because you’re gone
Because
I miss you
But this love lingers on
And there is no seperation from your memory
No progression from our history
And destiny
Without you
Is chained to a locked chest
Sinking
To the bottom of the sea
The sun now hurts my eyes
Tired of crying in darkness
Because the light is not the same
Without you
It is a phantom sun that shines
Not revealing your shadow
Next to mine
And the wind
Against my skin
Is cold without you
Because I miss you
I am not myself
Because the me
That is me
Is not me without you
And the woman I had hoped to be
Is dead without you
So I become
The phantom sun
And the cold wind and the crying darkness and the locked chest
And I am waiting
For your love to return to me
Because I miss you.

This love has gotten me blind and Ive lost all strength to rise above this calamity. Like always, Ive fallen way over my head. Im slipping away and going down like a stone in the sea. No one can rescue me. Not even you.